I Kept Expecting Dwight Schrute to Show Up

What a day! First of all, there was a whole lot of crazy drama that I won't even go into here, but it was sort of like going back to preschool except with adults.

Then we had a meeting that went absolutely NOT the way we had planned. It was sort of like the people on the other end of the line wadded up all of the hard work we've been doing in the past few months and threw it back in our faces.

That prompted my boss to throw his pen across the room when the meeting was over. Which was really funny, actually, because usually it's the other boss that throws things and makes holes in the drywall at work. This guy is usually pretty mild mannered. We proceeded to make fun of him for it the rest of the day. He will not live it down.

And then we had another meeting in a conference room that overlooks the parking lot. We saw a person who works on our floor go out to his/her car and sit for a long time. Apparently this is a common occurrence, so one of the bosses went down to clandestinely investigate while we all watched the show. He pretended he was on the phone (agitated hand motions and all) whilst inching closer and closer to the car. They think that this person goes down and drinks several times a day and were trying to witness it. Funny stuff. Sadly, he couldn't see anything. Too bad we didn't have any binoculars.

Laugh of the Day

My mom called me when I was driving home from work today and told me this story. I started laughing so hard that my whole face was wet from tears.

My niece had been to visit them today and one of the girls she works with has a sister that this happened to.

The lady has a son who is retarded to some extent, but it's not so severe that he can't stay at home by himself. He has a habit of finding little animals and keeping them for a day or two and then releasing them.

Son (calls mom at work): I caught a troll.
Mom: What?
Son: I caught a troll.
Mom: Where is it?
Son: I locked it up in the closet.

The mom tells her coworkers that she thinks she needs to go home to figure out what he's talking about (figuring that he's caught some wild animal and locked it in his closet). When she gets there, the house is all in disarray. There are pictures knocked over and it's a mess.

Mom: What happened here?!
Son: I caught a troll.
Mom: Where is this troll?
Son: It's in my bedroom closet.

The mom walks into the son's room and he's got a chair under the doorknob of his closet to keep the door from opening. Imagine her surprise when she opened the closet door and found a "little person" inside! Apparently the unfortunate dwarf had been going door to door selling something and when the son answered the door, he "caught" him and wrestled him into the closet (thus the sign of a struggle all over the house).

She said she guesses she won't be able to leave him home by himself again!

If I Pour Color Safe Bleach on My Hair...

just wondering if it would leave my haircolor unscathed.

See what had happened was...

It was the end of my time in the 2 year old room this morning. Things had gone just fine. Then my potty trained kiddo (God bless her parents!) decided she needed to go potty. No big deal.

As I started helping her with her pants, she started rubbing her hands all over the toilet seat.

Me: That's really yucky. Let's not rub our hands on the toilet.

Her: Yucky?

Me: Yep. It's got germs all over it.

At this point, she stopped. I thought we were cool, so I went back to the task at hand and had my head bent down so I could see what I was doing. The next thing I knew, she was rubbing her hands all over my head, roughing up my hair.

Next week's Sunday School lesson: E. Coli - One Thing We Don't Share With Friends

To Be Fair...

For all of the griping I do about Butter, you probably wouldn't guess that she makes me laugh a lot. Sometimes it is laughter through bitter, bitter tears, but it's laughter nontheless.

Case in point:

Last night, I opened the door to let the dogs in for the night and feed them. Mercy was just outside the door, so she just walked right in. Butter wasn't. I said, "Um, Butter?" The next thing I knew, I heard her running at top speed toward the door. She ran so fast that when she hit the kitchen floor, she slid all the way across it and left skid marks (apparently she was playing in the mud when I opened the door to let her in). It was funny -- partially because I have let go of the fantasy of maintaining a clean kitchen floor. Otherwise, I might have cringed a little bit.

It was not funny that she was barking at 5 or 6 this morning. I wonder if they make a canine version of Ambien.

Save Bandit!!

I saw this clip on someone else's blog and it made me laugh uncontrollably. Especially the "Save Bandit!" part. :)

Enough With the Excessive Punctuation!

As seen on a couple of hotel reviews:

A Times Square chain link that's like "a giant beehive" – this "behemoth" is one of the "best places to stay when you're seeing a Broadway show" (it has its own theater inside and is opposite the half-price TKTS booth); "tourists abound", whether in the "rooftop revolving restaurant", the "crazy" glass elevators or the hectic lobby, but "if you're lucky", you can escape to a room with a "spectacular view" of the "chaos" below – the "fabulous" location is what it's all about.

A "prime location" "just off Times Square" is the main draw of this "large", "booming" hotel with accommodations that are "ample for New York" and an "attached fitness club" available for a fee; the staff remains "friendly" despite the always "crowded" lobby, and while some surveyors praise the "modern appeal", others turn up their noses at the "back in the '80s" decor, finicky temperature controls and slightly "musty smell."

I Want a Pig!

How funny is this story? This pig is smarter than your honor student. :)



(And yes, Kevin, I've just now gotten around to watching this)

Jiggity Jig

Mini-vacation 2009 was a success!

It was my first airline travel for non-work related purposes, so that's kind of a fun milestone. I told my cousin that we need to take advantage of some of Southwest's really cheap fares and meet up at some vacation destination sometime and do a little getaway. She agrees, but it will have to be sometime when school is not in session or something since she's teaching.

Anyhoo, fun times. I got to see a college buddy whom I hadn't seen in 7(!) years. And I got to see her cute kids -- one of which actually let me hold her...the other pretty much didn't want me to touch him, but I did talk him into waving at me there at the end, so there still might be hope that he will let me adopt me at some point in the future (seriously cute kids, people...don't judge me for wanting to adopt my friends' kids).

We went to see a musical (Guys and Dolls) in a park while I was there. The weather cooperated beautifully and it was a perfect temperature (rare for this time of year!). However, if anyone could tell me what happens at the end, I would appreciate it. I mean, we stayed until the end, but as I mentioned, I am losing my mind and my short term memory is gone and I can't concentrate on more than one thing at a time. At the end, we started folding up our blanket during the last song, so I have no recollection of the last little bit of the musical. (Couldn't have told you what happened even as we were walking back to the car.)

I know the "guys" all put on corsages 'one last time' and I'm assuming it's because Adelaide and that other guy finally got married and maybe the church lady and the other guy got married too, but if you could straighten that out for me, that'd be great, thanks!

I also got acquainted with the wonder that is Ikea. Everyone should have an Ikea. I only bought this little dog food bowl stand thing and a food and water bowl. And it just ALMOST fit in my bag. So my cousin is going to mail the stand to me.

The only gripe I have with Ikea (besides there not being one in every town) is that some of the stuff was very hard to decipher. I didn't know what they were trying to sell me in some cases and that made me sad. There should be clear explanations on everything.

On another note, one of the flight attendants on the flight back home was possibly moonlighting as a stand up comic. The safety speech was a joke. The "we just landed, but don't get up yet" speech was a joke.

"We do not anticipate a sudden loss of cabin pressure (or else none of us would have shown up to work today) but if that happens, an oxygen mask will drop..."

"Do not form a line in the aisle to wait for the restroom. That makes us nervous. Do not do any line dancing such as the electric slide in the aisles..."

"We enjoyed serving all of you except for the two ladies on the left side of the plane on row 6 'Can I have a crown and coke? Is it free?'"

Definitely an interesting little flight crew.

Facebook Follies: Day 1

Did I mention that my mother joined FB? Oh I did? That's right! Anyway, she joined and immediately forgot her password. So she used the "reset password" option, but the security settings on their computer filtered the auto-response out. (My theory)

So then she e-mailed "the Facebook people" and "proved that she's who she says she is" (I have no idea what this involved) and still couldn't get in. So I asked her if she tried to get in using her other computer. They have so many different security programs on their computer that it's a wonder they can access anything. I pull my hair out every time I visit. Apparently that did the trick, because today she was back in business. And today she posted this little jewel:



...as a status update.

She's just getting warmed up, my friends.

Rescue Fail

Do you know of the funniness that is Failblog.org?

I saw this one yesterday and it made me laugh, so I'm linking to it.

Thirteen Funny Police Reports (TT #36)

Every time I look at my local paper I find humor in it. Sometimes the humor comes from unfortunate misspellings and other editorial errors, but sometimes it comes from the types of police reports that are made public.

I've compiled these from several different issues of the paper, so different seasonal reports are even included! (I left out the one where a guy called the cops because someone had rearranged his reindeer at Christmas time so that they were in a rather "compromising" position.)

Some names and addresses have been changed to protect the alleged guilty parties.

1. A woman answered a knock on her door Friday morning to encounter a heavyset white female wearing a brown hat and scarf and "big dark glasses" spraying her in the face with what seemed to be hairspray and beating her with what is described in the report as "a plastic dump truck."

2. An officer responding for a second time before dawn Sunday to reports of a disturbance at a First Avenue address saw a man standing in the doorway of the residence holding an object "approximately 18-24 inches in length (that) shone brightly in my spotlight." The man, identified in the report as 50-year-old [crazy person], threw the object inside the apartment when he noticed the approaching police cruiser. "I asked [crazy person] what the large metal object was that he had tossed inside and he responded by saying 'a banana,'" the officer wrote in the report. "At that time ... [crazy’s] girlfriend approached the doorway from inside the residence and stated that [crazy] had grabbed her 'Legendary Sword,'" the report continues.

3. A 21-year-old female shopper was asked to come outside and talk with an officer about her beverage choice on March 13. She was told by police that it was indeed illegal to shop while drinking a bottle of strawberry daiquiri, cited for public intoxication, and released.

4. Residents awoke Sunday morning to find that several colorful, hard-boiled eggs placed about their yard the previous night had been stolen.

5. Police went to Regional Medical Center Monday to take a report from a 22-year-old female who said that a large group of girls beat her with a high-heeled shoe. On Tuesday one of the alleged shoe-wielding assailants, a 29-year-old woman, called police to say that this victim was out of the hospital and in a Family Dollar Store parking lot beating her 1994 Oldsmoblie Cutlass with a baseball bat.

6. While an officer was responding Saturday morning to a report of two 9-year-olds fighting and threatening each other and one woman trying to run over some of the other children involved with her car, the officer heard "a few loud thumps and then a small child screaming." An unsupervised 13-month-old had tumbled down a flight of stairs.

7. A teenager told police he was riding his bicycle down Prince Street to pick up a pizza when another teen stopped his truck in the road, got out, punched him in the left side of his face, and drove away.

8. Concerned residents were reporting that a group of young men were overturning port-a-potties and blocking the road to tell passing motorists they were conducting a "sobriety checkpoint."

9. Dispatch sent us to Prince St. for a lady stuck in a car wash," a report filed Sunday reads. The woman said she had been trapped inside her Lexus for 45 minutes before being rescued from the car wash. The car wash owner arrived and re-washed her car, the report reads.



10. A 23-year-old woman called police to report that her mother-in-law had entered her home without permission and, finding the home's odor unsatisfactory, made insulting remarks.

11. A man reported that vandals had been at work on Applegate Drive Saturday, leaving sardines in his mailbox. On Tuesday, a few blocks away on Cutter Ridge Road, a woman checking her mail found that here too vandals had struck, leaving the same pungent and tiny fish as their calling card.

12. A resident told patrolmen a suspect stopped in front of his house and shot a .22 rifle at a deer, "toward his residence and shop." The deer had been hit and was lying in a ditch. Officers agreed to put down the deer with a gunshot, and some neighbors took the dead animal home.

13. A man called police to report that his neighbor had trespassed onto his property. "Upon my arrival (the resident) advised me that his neighbor ... had trespassed onto his yard by mowing over the property line." The officer estimated that the neighbor had allowed his lawnmower to stray as much as "a couple of feet" past where the resident believed his property to end.

The website for Thursday Thirteen doesn't seem to be working anymore, so maybe nobody does it anymore. If the link has changed, let me know.

ETA - New Thursday 13 link.

Overwhelmed

I just found out last week that my mother is having surgery this week, so I'm kind of scrambling around trying to take care of some last minute things before I go down to spend a few days with her and my dad.

Anyway, this post will seem very disjointed, but this is just how my mind is today, so maybe it's appropriate.

1. I am experiencing shortness of breath due to tightness of pants. I'm serious. Who knew that something that isn't wrapped around one's lungs could cause breathing problems? Anyway, I decided that I couldn't go on huffing and puffing anymore so I broke down and went jeans shopping today at lunch.

I do not like shopping. Maybe I missed some girly gene that makes some people like shopping and talking on the phone. I don't know. I just don't like it. My first stop was Old Navy. I tried on a pair of jeans in a size N regular(n is for number. You will notice that it's a big N.). I could hardly pull them all the way up. I tried on a pair in a size N long (same number) and they're huge on me. The next size down is way too small. This type of scenario seems like some kind of cosmic joke (a very unfunny one), so I was not pleased when I went into the dressing room.

Chick wearing huge sunglasses and training some guy in the dressing room: You have to let them know about the sales, because how else will they know about all the great deals?

Dude being trained: OK.

(I enter center stage)

Chick: (taking my pile of jeans) I don't see any shorts in this pile. Don't you want to try on some shorts? They're on sale this week!

Me: (Suppressing a barrage of snarky comments ranging from "Oh, are the sunglasses on sale too? Is that why you're wearing them when you're clearly indoors?" to "If I had wanted to try on some shorts, I would have deliberately picked up some shorts to try on." to "I don't wear shorts because they draw too much attention to my prosthetic legs.") No, I don't want to depress myself.

Anyway, I bought the too-big jeans because I had a 40% off coupon and I desperately needed some jeans.

After that little excursion, I headed next door to Maurices. I tried on a pair of jeans there that I figured would be the right size. They were huge. YES! I don't give a care that this brand runs big and that the smaller size I ended up buying is actually larger than an N+2 at Old Navy. Size is only a number (again) tra-la-la!

Now I just need to go return the too-big Old Navy jeans.


---------------
2. In other news, I have had it brought to my attention that there is actually a doggy camp in my area (complete with a swimming pond and lots of room to run), so I have hope that it's going to be a suitable place to board the dogs. I talked to the owner on the phone for the first time today.


Camp Lady: Well, you know dogs really seem to enjoy coming here. They like all of the different smells of the animals. We're out in the country, so there are all kinds of little animals in the woods they can smell...and of course the horses, the sheep, and the monkey...

Me: Wha? Wait a minute...the monkey?

Camp Lady: Yeah, I have a monkey.

Me: Oh! OK...

So now *I* want to go to doggy camp so I can see the monkey.

Things that Don't Eat Canned Corn

First of all, let me give you a short recap of my day.

1. Mercy goes to the vet at 8 this morning to get her annual checkup. She is terrified of the vet's office, so I have to carry her and hold her to make sure she doesn't eat anybody. She poops accidentally and randomly due to aforementioned fear. She weighs 40.1 pounds. Best workout I've had in AWHILE.

2. Today marked an historic event: My first trout fishing attempt. It DID NOT work out so well. It was about 44 degrees with wind gusts up to 30mph. That, my publics, made for a COLD fishing trip. Perhaps cold fishing trips aren't so bad if you're actually catching something (except maybe pneumonia), but we weren't, so it was fairly miserable.

We went to a pond that the game and fish stocks with trout from fall until early spring. Or so they SAY. Like I said, I did not see any of these alleged fish.

Corn is supposed to be a good trout bait, which brings me to my next topic.

Things that Don't Eat Canned Corn
1. Trout, apparently.
2. Cows. We stopped by the side of the road because I wanted to pet a cow that was sticking his neck through the fence adorably. I got out and said, "Hey cow! I've got corn for you!" He RAN like I was shooting at him or something. Then he mooed to all of his buddies and they turned around and stared at me. I kid you not. The whole pasture stopped what they were doing and turned and stared me down. Except for #3.
3. Horses. There were horses in the field with the cows. They just ignored me when I offered them corn. Wouldn't even look at me. Maybe they were just mad at me for yelling, "Screw you, cows!" at their friends, though.

I'm not sure I'll ever recover from today's cold temperatures, but Kevin did just make me some hot chocolate, so maybe that will help.

Telephone Conversation Transcript

*Just for some background- I never hear from my parents unless I pick up the phone and call them. It’s almost as if they don’t care to talk to me or something! BUT I’M NOT BITTER!*

This is from a phone call I got at work from my dad yesterday.

Dad: Hey! How are you a’doin’?

Me (awash in surprise): I’m doing alright. Just trying to look busy.

Dad: Oh, OK. Well, I had been up at the church and when I got back, your momma said that she had been talking to your sister and the call waiting showed that the AR State Police were calling and she didn’t click over in time to see what they wanted. She thought they might have been calling to say you had been in a wreck or something. So when I came back home, she told me to call you and check to make sure you were OK. I told her they were probably just begging for money, but she wanted me to call and make sure.

Me: …Wait a minute! You mean she thought the state police were calling to tell her that I was DEAD and she couldn’t answer the phone in time? And then she couldn’t call me to check on me herself? She WAITED until you got home and got YOU to do it? What the crap is that about? Did she forget my phone number? Are her dialing fingers broken? I mean, seriously! Tell her too bad, I’m still alive! Maybe next time!

Dad: Yeah, I think she wanted to see how much insurance money we were about to collect. Nah, you know her cell phone never works right because she never charges it, so when I got home she got me to call on my cell phone. (They don’t have long distance on their home phone.)

Me: She couldn’t plug her phone in and call me to make sure I wasn’t dead?!

Feel the love, people. Feel the love.

Funny Halo Commentary

If you've never seen Halo or if you are offended by colorful language, don't bother looking at this.

I'm mostly posting this because it cracked me up and I want to be able to find it again later.

Weirdos

I got this company-wide e-mail today (basically a newsletter of sorts) and this line in the e-mail cracked me up:

In an unprecedented demonstration of fundraising moxie, one associate even kissed a pig!

I have never understood what the big deal is about kissing a pig. It seems to be a fairly common fundraising tactic and it's not like they bring in a big, smelly, muddy, foul-tempered pig. They bring in the cutest little (clean) piglets for people to kiss.

If I had a pig, I would kiss it every day and tell it how pretty it was. On purpose.

Could've at Least Bought Me Dinner

Today I hit that pivotal milestone in a woman's life. I had my first mammogram (someone cue Pomp and Circumstance). True, I'm "only" 30, but since my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, my doctor wanted to err on the side of caution and get me checked out early.

I am pleased to announce that my boobs did not "get stuck that way" which was a very vivid fear for me as they were flattened into nothingness. It's hard enough to find the right bra on a good day, but I imagined that it would be much more difficult if they were suddenly mashed into a permanent shark fin shape. Seriously, I feared something would rupture in there. Ouch!

I should have refreshed myself on Chelle's Tips for Enjoying Your Annual Mammogram. That Chelle is a smart woman.

I also got the joy of getting an ultrasound or two after the Mammogram, because when you're young, mammograms aren't always clear and they wanted to be super sure that everything was ok. I appreciate their thoroughness, but I might have to sell a kidney to pay my deductible ($1500, before my traditional health care coverage kicks in thankyouverymuch).

The good news is, all is well. The bad news is, I have to start going annually. Even so, getting felt up by total strangers and having one's boobs flattened into oblivion is a small price to pay for good health and peace of mind.

You Thought You Were Rid of Me

I know I've been missing. Wait...did any of you notice I have been missing? Does anyone even read this anymore?

Anyhoo, I haven't had a lot to report lately, so I've remained silent. Here are a few factoids I've scrounged up for you.

1. I bought a Xbox 360 last week. Squee! I have't played Xbox in years (only the old system), so it's neat to see how it has evolved. I got a good deal on it too ($100 discount during checkout at Dell.com, and it came with 3 games, a wireless controller, and a headset to use with Xbox live).

2. For V-day (aka VD), I got Halo 3 and a subscription to Xbox live. Nothing says "I love you" like giving someone the opportunity to pretend she's The Master Chief. And kick random strangers' butts worldwide. Just sayin'.


3. Unfortunately, in my several year sabbatical from Xboxing, I have gotten extremely sucky at video games, so the butt kicking might just be a dream at this point.

4. Speaking of sucky, every work day is full of surprises. The other day, a coworker really wanted to know what a certain word (I won't spell it out b/c I would hate to disappoint someone who does a search on it and ends up here!) that rhymes with gel-ratio meant. So when it was finally explained to her, she wanted to know how anyone would know that word and proceeded to ask everyone who walked down the aisle if they knew what that word meant. Loudly.

I told her I was embarrassed for her because she probably shouldn't be yelling that word out at work...when clients were on the floor, but she said she wasn't embarrassed because nobody knows that word anyway.

I'm Funnier than they Give me Credit For

You know what sucks? I'll tell you what. It's when you have something dang funny to say, but when you say it, nobody knows what the heck you're talking about, so they don't get how hilarious you are.

Scenario 1:

A friend's Facebook status is "Does anyone know where I can get a .38 Special?"
I reply with, "I don't know, but when you find one, you better hold on looselaaaayyyy."

If it were possible to hear crickets chirping on Facebook, it would have happened. That was freakin' funny, people! What's wrong with you?!

Scenario 2:

A friend's Facebook status says that she's sorry she will miss our (a group of friends + me) get-together tonight.
I reply with, "We will pour out a little liquor for you."
The rest of my friends get excited because they think there might be actual liquor at our get-together. Goodness knows they wouldn't let me pour any out if there was some!

I am under-appreciated.

But I Will Not Fall Prey to the Folly that is Owning a Cat

My seriously hilarious cousin commented about a picture of me holding one of my Christmas presents -- a book about quilting.

She said (and I quote): "Please tell me the "Quilter's Complete Guide" was a white elephant gift. LOL If not, I need an immediate update on your cat count!"

I may be dangerously close to becoming the crazy dog lady at times, but I will not have a house full of cats who exist only to try to steal one's breath as one sleeps, spray random things around the house in a fit of rage, and wait with bated breath should I die so they can eat my still warm body. Seriously.