I don't think Kohl's is ready for this jelly...

Kohl's doesn't sell dresses for grown-ups. They sell maybe two styles of dresses in the Juniors department, but none for grown-ups.

Before I get too ahead of myself, let me go back to the beginning.

I was actually hoping to wear a dress I already own, but I tried it on yesterday and realized that wasn't possible. What's worse than getting chubby is wearing skinny clothes that don't fit you anymore and pretending they do. In the end, you're not fooling anyone and you're just drawing attention to your flaws.

There's always the possibility of wearing "shapewear" underneath whatever you're wearing to help suck everything in. The shapewear companies have, in some cases, tried to fool the consumer into thinking shapewear can be sexy, but that's just not the case. You can add lace to what amounts to a fabric covered rubber band, but it's still not sexy. Not to mention that it takes 45 minutes to take off the garment if you're ever lucky enough to shimmy yourself into it in the first place. Heaven forbid someone finds it sexy because if they did, the special moment would be over (as in, the person would have sobered up and realized the truth) before you could ever get out of it.

Anyway, so I ran over to Kohl's to see what they had to offer and realized that my body's too bootylicious for them. So then I went to Target, picked up the only dress I could find, tried it on, it was surprisingly flattering on my child-bearing-looking hips, checked out, and got the heck out of there.

I still have to find the proper foundations to wear with it though, that'll probably be a bigger challenge than finding the dress. I tried on some shapewear last night and had to have the cashier scan my butt at the checkout because I couldn't get it off. Just kidding, but barely.