I have a lot of resentment toward my mom. It's probably not healthy, but I do. It will probably take a lot of years or a lot of psychotherapy to get over it. :) I do not understand my mother, and she does not understand me. Sometimes I feel bad for her because I think my sisters feel the same way and deep down inside I bet she probably wishes things were different, but she'd do anything rather that let on as if she cares.
I thought this was interesting (Stasi's thoughts about her mother):
She wanted me to like her, know her, and enjoy her just as much as I wanted her
to feel that way about me. And I had withheld my acceptance from her. I realized
for the first time how deeply I had wounded her. Page 174.
I'm not sure what to do with that right now, but I think it's interesting.
She says that as women, we have the need to "mother" deep within us and we mother various people who enter our lives by nurturing them in different ways. I don't understand. I had a conversation with my mother just a month or two ago in which she described in detail how horrible it is to be expected to nurture someone. She talked about how she'd rather pull her hair out than to have sat down and played a game with us or read to us or spend time being patient with us. There was disgust in her voice when she talked about it. Every time she gripes about having to do something for my cousin, it's just like I'm a kid again and she's talking about me and it makes me furious and incredibly sad.
When I said, "Yeah I noticed." when she told how she hated "mothering" she got defensive and said, "I made sure you had someone to play with. That's why I sent you to your Aunt Nina." And she's right. My aunt was every bit of the mother that my real mother wasn't...and then some, but when she died the nurturing stopped.
I guess I just want to know why, if women naturally are nurturers, my mom didn't nurture me. I hope that if I have kids, I'll nurture them. Surely I will.
The book also talks about women friends and how they can nurture one another. This is wholly true. If you're my friend and you're reading this and I haven't told you lately--I really love you. You probably have no idea what you mean to me and I can't begin to express it here. If you're one of my friends who I hardly ever see, I don't just miss you, I grieve for you. God has really blessed me with some special friends and it pains me that most of them are scattered all over the place.
Did I tell you this was a rough chapter or what? This is the most depressing blog entry ever!
Moving on...I loved the C.S. Lewis quote from The Four Loves on page 182. I won't type it all out, but Lewis is great, isn't he?